I hope that I am not misunderstanding what you are saying. Please bear with me as I have already written what is in the following paragraphs and let me say that if you have never asked Jesus to be your Savior, then you need to right now stop and do that. What it sounds like, though, is that you continue to struggle with sin. If this is right, please read on.
These are your words: "I AM A SINNER." Brother, I am, too. You are, too. God knows that. He knew that 2,000 years ago. He knew 2,000 years ago that I would be heavily steeped in sin and that fact after being saved at age 15. You're talking to the biggest hypocrite that this planet has ever known and when God was talking to the church at Laodicea, he was talking to me. "Thou art poor, wretched, blind, and naked," is what He said to me. He said this to me as a college student. He said to me as a senior in college, majoring in Bible with minors in Pastoral Theology and Missions. You see, you're talkin' to an old preacher boy. I was on a church bus route. I sang in the choir. I preached in the nursing homes. I was on top af it all! Yeah, right.
I was on top it all, alright. The place that I back slid from was not even a Bible college pew: it was a Bible college pulpit. The church at Laodicea: that's my testimony.
Me, the church of Laodicea. What a horrible bus captain I am! I don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve to be in any of His work. I don't deserve to be one of His. I don't deserve to have any part of His grace or His mercy.
But Jesus said to me, a member of the church at Laodicea, "Behold, I stand at the door." (If Jesus is standing at the door, that means that He is outside. It means that He is not a part of our lives, yours and mine, and that He probably has not been there for a while.) He doesn't say this to people who are lost, who have never heard the Gospel, or who have lived a life un-churched. He says this to Laodiceans, people who have been saved.
You may find youself to be a Laodicean, but wait! He says to us as He said to me, "Behold (STOP! WAIT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!), I stand at the door (you pushed me outside, yet I STAND HERE. I am here. I will be here until I, NOT YOU, am done with you! I AM here FOR YOU!!!) and I knock (or, as the greek says, "I am knocking)."
You see, it does not matter how much we've sinned. To say that we have sinned to a point were God will not accept us is to say that His grace is not sufficient for us. We are sticking our finger in face of God and saying that He is a bold-faced liar and that He is not all-loving and that He is not all-powerful. It is not about how much we sin or not. It is about how holy God is and how much God loves us.
I have not gotten over sin and I never will. None of us will. I will never be above sinning and neither will you and God knows that. Not that it is okay to sin. The question is how do we deal with sin. I think that Psalm 119:9 has summed it up right: "Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word."
Reading is learning and wisdom is acting. It's a continual process. We read God's Word, learn from it, and then we act on it and, thus, we are cleaned. Thus, God's Word cleanses us. Thus, we are christians. Thus, we live a life that is holy and acceptable to God. Thus, we have a DESIRE to be holy. Thus, we have a DESIRE to obey God and praise Him and to praise Him through obedience (This is the purpose of life). Thus, people see our works of righteousness, which is not really ours. Thus, we have a burden to obey Christ. Thus, the Holy Spirit lives within us. Thus, we have a burden to tell others about Jesus. Thus, they want to praise Him, too.
You think that God is through with you. If He were through with you, you would be six feet under. It is up to you, it is your free will: do you open the door? It's hard. It's real hard. I would rather read the daily paper than to read my Bible. I would rather sit at home on friday night than to go to my church's faith-based addictions program. I would rather do a thousand other things than to visit my church bus route. I do not enjoy getting a door slammed in my face when I go talk to somebody about Jesus or a parent of one my bus kids accusing me of not doing enough in the community or being called names by a parent because I had to discipline their child or tell their child that their child not come because their child that it was important to throw rocks at the bus.
We are here for you. We struggle, too. Please, smile! Tell God that you sinned. Tell others that you sinned. We've been there. Actually, I cannot say that I have been were you are, but I know that there is nothing new under the sun. We all struggle. Please, Brother, let's together get back up.
I've been here all morning typing this message, but I pray that I have been an encouragement to you.
You brother in Christ,