prayers needed more than ever! mysqlprayerrequestI wrote this letter to my, now ex-fiance\'. After reading it when I was finished I realized just how bad I feel inside. I have removed names as to not offened anyone, but thought I should post it because it is the closest reading to just how bad I feel inside. Of course no words could ever convey my true feelings. Please pray for us!!! Note: my children and I are living in his home, as we moved here to marry him. He wants us out by Jan 15th. Dear ****, I am not sure how I can put into words for you to understand what is going on. I try every day to carry a smile, but everyday it gets harder to do. This is not just about you and me it is about my entire life at this time. I have even considered checking myself into a hospital because I am afraid that maybe I am going into some sort of depression. I have never been a depressed person although there is enough in my history to have made me. I have always clung to God and somehow kept my head above water. But now, I feel as if I am drowning and no one cares. Maybe it is because I have always been strong and everyone just expects me to be able to handle it all. But I am only human and I too have a breaking point. I have told you that I am scared, I know you didn\'t fully understand what I meant so I am going to try to explain. Maybe this email is a cry for help or maybe it\'s for no purpose at all. What I do know is that I am in a desperate place in my heart and mind and I don\'t see anyway out. No cliche\' or common spouts of encouragement are helping. This is what I need everyone to understand, I am drowning.. Aside from how much I truly love and adore you and losing what you and I and the girls could have as a family hurts. It does, it is very painful. But there is more. I feel as if I am the worse mother on earth. I brought my children over 600 miles to have a family full of love and Godliness and now that they have found a wonderful life in a great school with friends and social life that they have never known in Alabama, I am pulling it out from under them. Their pain and their disappointment is a burden that tears my heart apart. I made a horrible choice. I thought I was making a good one, I prayed about it before I moved and I heard God say yes, walk with me and I will comfort you in your new life. Now I am left thinking what in the world was I hearing? Was it Satan trying to destroy me? I know in my heart I was desiring Gods will. I know that I didn\'t move here to live with you in sin. I moved here to marry you and fulfill Gods desire for us to serve as a couple and as a family. But even with all of my purest of love, I somehow failed. And now that I have failed God, by making that bad choice, that I thought was him but obviously not, I am suffering the wrath. The emotional pain is severe no doubt. I feel as if not only do I not hear God the way I thought I did, but I have destroyed a part of the girls hopes and dreams that cannot ever be fixed. They are children and even with their behavior differences, they are still children who think and feel and hurt and do not understand things fully just like all children. You have no idea just how low this makes me feel. As their mother I am suppose to protect them from pain and disappointment. But alas, I have caused it for them. I am not fit to be their mother. Nor do I have the strength or knowledge or wisdom or even faith at this point to help them because I myself feel as if the world is bigger than me and is swallowing me whole. Now, the reality of the physical pain. I have no where to go. No where to take the girls to live or a way to provide for them. I have sent hundreds of resumes out and no response. I pray every day for help and I seem to get nothing. I know God works on his own time line and in the past I have always found comfort in my faith and simply knowing the he will provide. But as Jan 15th approaches faster and faster and leeds for housing fall threw the cracks, I am left feeling very much in despair. I do have a lot of wonderful friends, however they are not in positions to take me and two kids into their homes. They are looking for me work and I am thankful for that but it does not help with the urgency of housing and support for two kids. I have no family, this you knew all along. My Mama was my family. You like to say I have the girls and true I do but the girls are my responsibility to care for and to support and to be their shoulder to cry on. They cannot help me in my needs of work, home and my shoulder of support to cry on. How could I go to them and break down? They are not grown nor could they carry the burden of my pain and my self shame. I am very much alone. The only way I can try to get you to understand that is, when you feel down and need encouragement, do you go to a child and unload your worries on them? Of course not, a child should never have to carry that on their shoulders. Just like you told me about you as a child, hearing your parents fight about finances. These things are not for children to bare. Thus leaving me feeling alone and helpless. I am scared out of my skin. I have no idea where to turn. I have prayed with all that is in me for God to make me worthy of his blessings. I know that my heart is pure and I know that I pray earnestly. But God is not hearing me. Or maybe he is punishing me for the choice I made to come here. I know you will say that God doesn\'t punish and that God does hear me. But you tell me where you see him working in my life? How can being homeless and jobless along with the horrendous pain of heart ache be a blessing? Not to just me but the girls too? What did they do to deserve this? They did nothing.. Maybe I have and maybe I do deserve it, maybe my confessions to be freed from sin weren\'t heard and maybe this is my punishment, that I can accept. I can admit my wrongs and can humble myself to suffer the price. But I cant understand why the girls have to pay. And this brings me to know I am not a fit mother. I think that maybe if I just check into a hospital, that someone would then realize how bad it is. That then people would open their eyes and say wow ****** is drowning. But, in that thought, I think who would take care of the girls? How can I help myself when I cant even stop to think about myself? I cant stop to care for myself. I cant stop to heal myself. At this point, I am no good to anyone not even myself. As I write this email I wonder why I am even writing to you. I know the answer to that. Because you are the closest thing I have to family, you are the closest thing I have to a Godly insight. And that scares me because you don\'t want to be. Thus again leaving me alone. Here at the holidays I am trying so hard to find something to be thankful for.. I try to think of the blessing I have in children, yet I cant see it because what I see is my falling them. I try to be thankful I am in a free country where we can worship God freely, yet I feel I am falling God. I try to be thankful that we have a roof over our head at this point, yet I know it is not going to last and we will no longer have a roof. I try to be thankful that our stomach is full, yet I will not much longer be able to pay for food to keep them full. I do not know how else to convey my desperation to you. Not to make us work, that is not what this is about. This is about me drowning ****... This is not about sympathy. This is about me not being able to survive. This is not about guilt. This is about me being alone and scared. You are the only person I have to and reach out to. Please read this letter and know I am desperately begging for help! |
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🌈Pride🌈 goeth before Destruction
When 🌈Pride🌈 cometh, then cometh Shame